so start this video at about the two minute mark and let it ride for a minute or two.

alright, so he says ‘sometimes, mom do knows best’, et cetera …

obviously, in no way is it cool to make fun of rickey’s speech in and of itself:

1. he’s clearly illiterate.
2. he probably has some kind of learning disability, too.
3. it took some balls to get up and give a speech at the hall of fame knowing that the world would be watching it.
4. he’s rickey fucking henderson for god sake. next to barry bonds, the greatest baseball player i have (and likely ever will) see in my lifetime. rickey is the shit. greatest lead off hitter ever, hands down, end of discussion.
5. he was my favorite player as a kid.

so i’m listening to stern on monday, and they’re playing the tape. they’re commenting, but the comments are falling more towards the compassionate side. howard is saying, ‘this really isn’t funny, i kinda feel sorry for the guy,’ and robin is saying, ‘i hesitate to laugh, because that is why people don’t come forward when they can’t read,’ and george takei is praising rickey’s ‘courage and bravery’ in that beautifully passionate way george talks about everything. i love love love george takei. a social activist and a wonderful sense of humor. god bless.

so as the tape rolls, artie isn’t saying much, until rickey really stumbles over a line or two. you hear artie, more stunned than anything else, kind of chuckle under his breath, ‘oh my god! it’s like the 1800s …’

this gets a little laugh. the tape keeps rolling. then artie starts in – in a perfect, spot on imitation of rickey’s delivery – with the following lines:

‘my speech teachers … was … amos … and andy.’

and …

‘i took maff courses … from … kingfish.’

i don’t know what it was. just too much absurdity, just enough inappropriateness … i really don’t know. but i was sitting in my car behind perks coffee shop and i lost. my. shit. sobbing. i was laughing so hard i though i was going to shit. every time i started to get it together, i though about the kingfish line and it started over again. literally, fifteen minutes of uncontrollable hysterics.

i went in to get a coffee, and my friend takes one look at me and goes, ‘what? why are you crying?’ i actually tried to explain myself (artie .. rickey … kingfish) but it quickly started again so severely i couldn’t speak and had to run to the bathroom. then i left out the back door, because i realized i looked like a fucking mental patient to the entire cafe …

another great appearance!

i woke up in the middle of the night last night and replayed the whole thing in my head again. i started laughing so hard i couldn’t get back to sleep for two hours.

once stern leaves the air, i think i might be able to (finally) start living the life of an adult human being.

yeah.