this one’s for you, white.

Howard welcomed the three finalists, Ham Hands Bill, Dante, and Sam & Nader in the “I Want To Be Howard Stern” contest, into the studio to decide the winner of.

Howard announced that one vote already went to Sam & Nader, as they were the winners of the online poll. Howard took the remaining votes from the staffers who’d listened to all 3 finalists’ shows: Jason voted for Ham Hands Bill and both Howard and Gary voted for Dante.

Fred then registered the final/deciding vote for Dante. A representative from Klondike then came in to present Dante with his $5,000 check.

***

well, shit.

our kid gave ‘em hell. and even though they won the fan vote, howard, fred, and gary all went with dante in the end (although howard did say that he could see sam and nader having a career in radio).

white, i’m sure you’re disappointed – i sure am – but, hey, fuck it man. you made it all the way to the howard stern show, which is a long, long, long way from the canoga bowl and the sportsman’s lodge (not to mention the infinite distance it is from edwardsville, illinois). you were the funniest guy in the studio today, and this i know for a fact. keep tellin’ those dick jokes and keep in touch with those cats out there in nyc. they seemed to really like you (and they hardly even got to know you). maybe the next time you make it out there it’ll be all on your own.

congratulations anyway, white. i’m fucking proud of you.

i have it.

but i borrowed it from vonnegut’s post timequake apathy.

but i think i have that, too.

hooch and sarah are still wonderful. sitting around and watching them bicker is better than any television program on the pay channels. instead of finishing each other’s stories, as is the cliche, they interrupt each other’s stories and send them down long and varied tangents. good fun …

time flies.

since they left, life has become all about this: “You Were Sick, But Now You’re Well Again, and There’s Work to Do: Free Will in Kurt Vonnegut’s Timequake and in Post-9/11 America.”

whoa mule …

nader is sending me picture texts of the inside of the cabin of the plane he is on on his way to nyc to appear on the howard stern show on monday (prepositions …). i’m sending him picture texts of naked women from the internet. and people say americans are shallow gadget addled dullards!

bah.

they are stranded in charlotte at the moment. i was stranded in charlotte once, but she never knew it. then i moved on.

if they win tomorrow they get to do another hour show on howard 101 tomorrow. can’t wait. i’ll call in this time as i finally figured out how to do it.

go nader.

speaking of howard, we listened to hours of phony phone calls on t-giving day. hours. starting drinking at 11 am will put you on curious paths. last night, i was up listening to phony phone calls w/chi-mel when i should have been writing about post timequake apathy. but phony phone calls go down good with a side of apathy.

and it’s fun to laugh.

ha.

alright.

back to work.

whoa mule …

hey y’all.

remember all the voting we did a few weeks ago? remember how well that worked out? let’s keep it going!

1. go here.
2. scroll to the bottom.
3. vote for #3, sam tripoli.

they’re in first place right now folks, so get your friends involved and let’s keep them there!

this is the change we need.

hearing nader on howard stern this morning was mind altering. i actually missed the original play and had to get the replay in my car after i taught. they did great … as soon as i get audio of it, i’ll post it so you can all hear the interview.

they’re in the midst of their show now … commercial break. just took a call from some ufc deuche bag joe rogan. not nader’s idea, i’m sure … nader just did a commercial read. klondike bars. i’m trying to call in, but can’t get through.

now they’ve got sebastian bach from skid row on … i’m not sure it’s actually sebastian bach. i guess it is. weird.

this is seriously a huge deal. nader has worked his ass off for three years as a comic and he’s getting a break. if the plane goes down on the way back to l.a., he still got to meet howard stern, which officially makes him the only person i know who i can still give two shits about. my circle was getting pretty small as it was, but fuck the rest of you. nader made it.

i hope they win the contest and he doesn’t have to teach high school for awhile. teaching high school is fun, i’m sure, but being on the radio is better.

click here to hear a sample of sam and nader’s show. funny shit.

speaking of stern … they’ve been playing clips of this cat pastor james manning for months. every time obama’s name was mentioned, fred played the drop of the pastor going “OBAAAMA!” everytime i heard obama’s name for awhile there during the campaign, i involuntarily shouted “OBAAAMA!” at the top of my lungs. it actually felt really good …

post election, they’ve been playing the entire sermon in its entirety again. you need to hear this. stick with it for at least the first 5:30. he loses focus a bit in the later minutes when he turns his ire away from obama and towards his own congregation (however, this is still done artfully.)

if this was what church was like in central illinois, i’d be one hell of a presbyterian right now.

have mercy.

some highlights to look for:

1. “the first place i saw it was on two big ole tits!”
2. shortly after the above statement is uttered, the two guys behind the pastor’s left shoulder are trying not to shit their pants laughing.
3. “you don’t have enough sense to pour piss out of a boot!” [this i don't even understand ... how did the piss get in the boot? better yet, why did the piss get in the boot? i've pissed my pants on numerous occasions, but i've never pissed my footwear. of course maybe it's an anatomical limitation ... maybe the old adage really is true, as richard pryor reminds us in one of his famous punchlines (your common sense can construct the set up): "man, that water's cold!" "yeah, and it's deep, too!"]
4. “black men don’t have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of!” [this one i get, and, frankly, i like it.]
5. “GAAWHD spoke to elijah. he said to ELIAAAJAH! …”
6. “you are the weakest people on the planet.” [thank you.]
7. “you are despicable through and through.” [amen.]
8. “god says you’re gonna be scraping up pigeon droppings … to make gravy … to put on your egg shells. because they’ll be nothing else to eat.”
9. “you’ve been losing for 500 years. you’re still marching and complaining that you don’t have anything. after FIVE HUNDRED YEARS!”
10. “barack is an emissary of the devil. i’m your last hope.” [we're fucked.]

enjoy.