at least it was warmer today.

and nader is still alive.

and i figured out how to access the pool on the third floor of the downtown hilton. not much to figure out, really. take the elevator to the third floor. jump in pool. sorted. talk to me in about four months …

and i found a cool graffiti clad perch to watch the sunset over the mississippi.

and lady of the barge has new songs.

and it is what it is.

***

a little artie for y’all. recent artie, which is weird … as recent as december. the guy was fucking killing it very, very recently. freakish …

the premise in the first one is they’re doing a news story on chaz bono. artie and howard start fucking around, and finally feel their way to a scene where artie becomes chaz and howard starts to interview him. artie pulls all his longshoreman idioms out of his ass to demonstrate chaz’s newfound masculinity.

start it around 4:11.

‘i’ve got a fifty timer on michigan state … i’ve got michigan state parlayed with the over with iowa … i’m framing a house in newark … i’m enforcing for a lone shark … the other day i shit in a spackle bucket on the construction site.’

alright … this one … ‘the guy who laughs at everything’ … artie just dropped into this one after jd admitted to loving the films ‘look who’s talking’ and ‘the shaggy da.’

anyway … a little artie.

sleep tight.

didn’t listen to stern today, but just read that artie’s hospitalization was the result of a failed suicide attempt.

guy stabbed himself in the stomach nine times. his mom found him. if you know anything about artie, i don’t see how he ever comes back from this. he has so much guilt from his dad falling and dying and all that he put his mom and sister through with the heroin and everything … to have survived trying to kill himself and knowing that his mom found him … just an awful, awful scene, man.

the show’s been weird this week. now we know why. howard seemed distant, tired. there were few guests. it just had this downcast feel to it, and no one was talking out of respect to the family. howard evidently addressed it directly today after it all came out, but he didn’t say much. what do you say?

i love artie. the thing about that stupid radio show is that it’s so intimate and so raw that you really feel like you get a sense of who these people are, and they’re like friends you can listen in on all day and not feel like you have to talk to them. they’re funny and thoughtful and they’re always there for you like a good dog. such a strange relationship when you think about it. i fell head over heels in love with artie years ago. just such a sweet, warm guy. so damn funny. and there’s a big giant heart hole there without him.

at the beginning of yesterday’s show, before all this was known, howard came in and said, ‘good morning everybody. i have artie’s mic up even though he’s not here. just in case … we’re ready.’ one of those delicate little stern show moments people miss when they’re bitching about topless women and what not. sadly beautiful.

i’m keeping a mic up for artie, too …

so start this video at about the two minute mark and let it ride for a minute or two.

alright, so he says ’sometimes, mom do knows best’, et cetera …

obviously, in no way is it cool to make fun of rickey’s speech in and of itself:

1. he’s clearly illiterate.
2. he probably has some kind of learning disability, too.
3. it took some balls to get up and give a speech at the hall of fame knowing that the world would be watching it.
4. he’s rickey fucking henderson for god sake. next to barry bonds, the greatest baseball player i have (and likely ever will) see in my lifetime. rickey is the shit. greatest lead off hitter ever, hands down, end of discussion.
5. he was my favorite player as a kid.

so i’m listening to stern on monday, and they’re playing the tape. they’re commenting, but the comments are falling more towards the compassionate side. howard is saying, ‘this really isn’t funny, i kinda feel sorry for the guy,’ and robin is saying, ‘i hesitate to laugh, because that is why people don’t come forward when they can’t read,’ and george takei is praising rickey’s ‘courage and bravery’ in that beautifully passionate way george talks about everything. i love love love george takei. a social activist and a wonderful sense of humor. god bless.

so as the tape rolls, artie isn’t saying much, until rickey really stumbles over a line or two. you hear artie, more stunned than anything else, kind of chuckle under his breath, ‘oh my god! it’s like the 1800s …’

this gets a little laugh. the tape keeps rolling. then artie starts in – in a perfect, spot on imitation of rickey’s delivery – with the following lines:

‘my speech teachers … was … amos … and andy.’

and …

‘i took maff courses … from … kingfish.’

i don’t know what it was. just too much absurdity, just enough inappropriateness … i really don’t know. but i was sitting in my car behind perks coffee shop and i lost. my. shit. sobbing. i was laughing so hard i though i was going to shit. every time i started to get it together, i though about the kingfish line and it started over again. literally, fifteen minutes of uncontrollable hysterics.

i went in to get a coffee, and my friend takes one look at me and goes, ‘what? why are you crying?’ i actually tried to explain myself (artie .. rickey … kingfish) but it quickly started again so severely i couldn’t speak and had to run to the bathroom. then i left out the back door, because i realized i looked like a fucking mental patient to the entire cafe …

another great appearance!

i woke up in the middle of the night last night and replayed the whole thing in my head again. i started laughing so hard i couldn’t get back to sleep for two hours.

once stern leaves the air, i think i might be able to (finally) start living the life of an adult human being.

yeah.