gone gone gone

i arrived in california on thanksgiving day, 1995. i left today, june 24th, 2008.

i said too many goodbyes, had too many beers, laid awake for too many hours. i’m tired. blue, lonely, and tired. i just left my home all over again.

watching sportscenter in a motel 6 in casa grande, arizona with a 1 year old puppy who is bouncing off the walls is hardly a remedy. there’s a beauty here, but i’m too tired and simply too damn spent to see it. halfway through my arby’s roast beef sandwich i got a horribly bitter taste in my mouth. at first i though it was horsey sauce applied too think. but i don’t think so.

shit’s weird tonight.

being a lonely vagabond isn’t quite as romantic tonight as it used to be, or as it is when you daydream about driving across the country during a long day at work. i feel like i have some sort of responsibility in tow that i don’t want. like there’s a weight to my journey. maybe it’s age. or time. or maybe it’s just sadness. my car feels disorganized and cramped. it’s very, very hot. over 100 today and supposedly only getting hotter tomorrow. and the next day.

i’m worried about being alone and unsatisfied when i get to lsu. i feel like this all this energy to continue going to college is a fucking cop out pussy move for a 33 year old who has lived a bit. i don’t know if i really love any of this. somewhere along the line this all got much harder, and i don’t feel like i’ve even started yet.

i don’t know why i’m here, in this motel 6, in the middle of arizona across from a bitter arby’s with a dachshund with cabin fever. where is my home?

but i’m glad i have this computer. and i’m glad i have lefty.

tomorrow will be better.